Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Mom said you looked used
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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