I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
