I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
You may now shotgun with the bride
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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