Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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