Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
