I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
MIDGETS
????
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
