I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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