I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
