...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
