Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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