She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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