I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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