I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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