I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
