He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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