I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
My penis needs a shock collar
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
