You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
