I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
