after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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