i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
