I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
