dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Randomize
