update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
