Can i not drive my cunt home
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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