Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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