I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Randomize
