If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
