Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
