a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
