We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Randomize
