Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
