apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
