just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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