How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
