I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Randomize
