the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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