the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
