I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
