and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
