Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
you inspire me to be a worse person
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
