I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
