Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Randomize
