Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
