Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
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