You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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