how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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