be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
