haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
