I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
