you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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