i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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